Couple Therapy – There are many very popular methods for therapists to use during couple therapy. One very popular and effective research based technique is from doctors John and Julie Gottman called “The Gottman Method.”
Dr’s John and Julie Gottman, relationship experts and authors to many books regarding marriage and relationships including “10 Lessons To Transform Your Marriage.”
The Four Horseman
The Gottman’s have studied thousands of couples for over 40 years. They identified several factors that can be the cause divorce or unhappy of marriages. The Gottman’s have call these factors the “Four Horseman” and they are the following:
1) Contempt – Commenting on the others behavior using denigrating language and/or with a look of disgust .
Example –
“You are so stupid”
2) Stonewalling –Reacting to a situation with elevated heart rate, perspiration, and perhaps low oxygen saturation. Basically, the frontal lobe goes off-line resulting in in the listener shutting down.
3) Criticism – When a partner comments on the others behavior in a critical way – they generally begin with a “You ” statement and is often judgy- for Example –
“You are always late, now you have ruined everything”
4) Defending –Defending often occurs in response to a criticizing statement. Protecting oneself from the criticism.
Example –
“If it wasn’t for you I would have been on time. I am always on time”
If you notice that one or possibly all four of these horsemen have entered into your relationship please check out this post by the Gottman Institute for the antidotes to each of the four horseman.
I have received trainings in the Gottman Method for Couple Therapy and believe that it is very helpful to identify these horsemen as they come up during conflict and re-do the conflict using the antidotes. Years of using these horsemen as communication tools can lead to communication patterns that are now hard wired in our brains. Often it feels like a cascade of patterns that is difficult to deviate from. However bringing awareness to the pattern is the first step in changing communication patterns.
Each time you and your partner veer away from your usual argument and move toward a collaborative discussion, where both parties feel heard and a compromise is reached you change the patterns in your brain. Future arguments get easier with practice as you make new connections in your brain. Change happens both neurologically and within the relationship.
AFT